Thursday, November 5, 2009
Arggghh moment!
These days I'm trying to be friends with a few people on the in-laws' side. When in social situations with them, I'm tired of just going through the same old formal routines every time. I meet them often but still I'm not friends with them in any sense of the word. I watch what I say and I'm wary of joking even in good humor with them. You might be wondering why this is so important to me and I do not know if I can explain my reasons well but for one, it is just taxing to not be yourself and always be watchful of what you say. Two, a conversation needs to have that zing to make it interesting. It is hard to make it interesting if you have to always be complimentary and agreeable. Three, what's a relationship if you can't have a few laughs at your own or others' expense? :) I was just thinking back about other friendships and how those came about. I realized that I'm most comfortable with people with whom I can spar. Yes, the timeless tactic of verbal offense and defense seems to be an integral part of relationships where I'm reasonably comfortable with the people involved. I'm not a goody two-shoes kind of person. I'm usually crude and goofy with friends, letting fly quick repartees. It is only then that I can kickback, relax and have a good time. But said people are mostly the goody two-shoes type or at least that is what they like to portray. I'm having such a hard time cracking this as I get nothing back when I attempt humor in conversations -- be it self-deprecatory or self-aggrandized or simple leg pulling or any other kind. As cliché-d as it may seem, our wavelengths are completely mismatched. Argghh. What do you do in such situations?
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Are the said in-laws in your age group? Give it more time, maybe?
ReplyDeleteI used to have a similar complaint abt my SIL too.. she is very sweet, helpful, etc, but I have nothing to talk to her after the first few sentences. I am hoping this improves once we get to spend some quality time together (whenever that happens).
p.s: Good to be back :) The adu-adu post was super cute!
TPL: Hey! Good to see you back. Hope you had a rejuvenating trip!
ReplyDeleteYeah, same age group. What you said -- that's how I console myself too.
I started treading the waters slowing...letting a little joke escape here and there to see how people would handle it. But then, some just don't get it. In case case you can always use sarcasm (which they wont get anyways) to entertain yourself for the duration!
ReplyDeleteThe sarcasm part becomes slightly harder if they are genuinely nice people though!
AJ, know what you mean. I know that if I have to watch every word I say, I am never myself. Now after years of marriage I don't really think. Each to his/her own. This is who I am and if you don't like me, too bad 'coz as long as the husband does I am good :) I don't hurt and judge anyone and expect the same courtesy. If they are not on the same wavelength I don't invite them when I hang out with folks that I can be myself with. Does that make sense?
ReplyDeleteI am always accomodating and accepting at all times and I am quite sick of it actually :(. Can never be myself and say things without being judged or commented on. But I can't see myself changing either since I've always been like that so far. It is going to be such an effort to change. And it is harder when the close ones judge you right!
ReplyDeletecluelessness: I think these people are reasonably nice. It is just a case of mismatched wavelengths. If they were not family, I would may be have not mixed with them, but since they are family I need to be amicable and yet be copiously polite.
ReplyDeleteSands: I was so waiting for your comment considering that you are much more experienced than me and your post was somewhat connected. :) Thanks for the tip! I try to not mix them with other groups as well but you know I always thought one should be most comfortable with family and it makes me sad that that's not the case.
sole: You are right that it is hard when close ones judge you. But actually I'm not even going that far. All I want is to be able to banter with them as easily as I do with friends.
Since they are your husband's side, he will know better ... if they are always the "serious" type or they are just serious with you. If its the former, there is nothing much you can do about it. But if its the latter, may be they need time adjusting to you as well. So get some tips from hubby on their interest and strike a conversation in that area. (that is if you are comfortable as well)
ReplyDeleteCA: Good suggestion. I do have topics to talk to them about but they become very mundane Q&A type conversations which fizzle out because we just don't share some of the boisterous qualities. And heck, the husband will just ask me to stop over-analysing and to go with the flow, which might be a good idea actually. :)
ReplyDeleteHey there..back after a while here..and could not take off the eyes past the header pic! YUmmmmmm!
ReplyDeleteLOL!! on the adu-adu post. Loved your last line..awesome retort plan lady ;)
As for the in-laws..I pretended to be miss goody two-shoes for atleast one year to please them all. overtime realized it is too strainful to pretend goos all the time..just as you said. So, am being myself now..of course with a tinge of extra politeness and courtesy that is managable. They either like me or don't..but fortunately most fall in former category. I don't care for the others anyway :P
AJ..you know what..just be yourself..people who love you will understand you and people who dont..well its their loss :)as long as your hubby understands...I dont think you need to be so bothered about them at all...Like one said...to each his own!
ReplyDeleteAJ, just be comfortable with yourself. Over time people and you will get used to it. There is no way you can please everyone and everyone can be pleased with you :)
ReplyDeleteDid I just add to the confusion?!
Just be yourself I say. If they don't get the joke, tell us!
ReplyDeleteLol at Chox, I was gonna say the same thing:)
ReplyDeleteI'm married into a humourless family...they only know to laugh mockingly at other ppl...so I just don't even try joking or laughing with 'em, just grin sweetly and escape to more normal truly funny people!
All: Thanks for the nice, funny, practical suggestions. I'm feeling much better today. :)
ReplyDeleteStumbled here from somewhere as I was blog hopping.. not just love theblog, I think I love you too. :)
ReplyDeleteGuddi: Anyone who openly says such things in an open blog is loved by me too. :)
ReplyDeleteoh well! you cant make everyone happy i guess!
ReplyDeleteyeah like everyone says, just be yourself while keeping that dose of politeness ready!
slowly they will warm up to you and open up too! and then hopefully you will hit it off with a couple least! and that will make time with the khandaan bearable!!